Blog Front Page: The D-Wreck Soccer Show

D-Wreck gets fired from his ESPN UK Conference interview spot; here are a few examples why: questions he asked to Sir Alex Ferguson, David Moyes and Rafa Benitez.

Dear Mini-Bob Bradley:

I am writing you because I know the real Bob Bradley is busy preparing for the World Cup and you’d be more likely to read my letter. Still, I also know you have his ear—so I’m hoping you could pass along some thoughts I have about who’s going to play striker for the US team if Charlie Davies can’t play when the World Cup comes along in June.

We all know Jozy is going, and that you’ll probably use Dempsey up top if all else fails… But you’ll count Dempsey as a midfielder and probably only bring a few strikers—Altidore being the first shoe-in.

Now that we know who’s definitely going, let’s talk about who definitely SHOULDN’T make the team…

I heard a rumor somewhere that you were considering, in an act of desperation, Josh Wolff—presumably because he has “experience”. But listen here Mini-Bob: no way in hell will you or Big Bob pick Josh Wolff. The only thing he has experience in is stinking it up in 2.bundesliga and showing a total lack of effort in the last World Cup when he came on. Besides, isn’t 9 goals in 52 games enough proof? So, no—and hell no.

I haven’t seen as much incompetence on a collection of first touches than when I watched Robbie Findley play these last two warm-ups for the US—well, or since Jozy’s second start for Hull City. I’ve never seen someone squander so many decent opportunities in the span of one half. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, as I have watched Mido play for several years now in the Premier League… Sufficed to say, Robbie is just an extremely poor man’s Eddie Johnson (without the height or body strength). Hell, Eddie Johnson himself is a poor man’s Eddie Johnson…

Jeff Cunningham looked like a possibility—but he’s too busy impersonating Freddy Adu—and frankly we just don’t need weirdoes like that on the team. Besides, he looked pretty pathetic during his chances recently to impress Big Bob…

Kenny Cooper “sort of” plays for Plymouth in the Championship—and it looks like they may be dropping to League 1 next season. He’s seen the field 6 times, but never the net. Let’s be frank here folks, Kenny is going through a bad spell. Before the bad spell at Plymouth, (like John Wolff) he went to bundesliga 2 side 1860 Munich and well, let’s just say things started off great and ended like a smelly pile of my doggy-dung. Sorry Kenny, maybe 2014.

Brian Ching's balls appear to be seriously injured and he won’t be healthy by World Cup time. If this isn’t true, just pretend it is.

Though I would love to give Mr. Hercules Gomez a shot at making the big trip, let’s face it, you know, and I know, Bob isn’t going to pick him for the same reason he’s going to leave Torres and Bedoya off the team: he doesn’t like Mexicans (please ignore the fact that Bedoya is actually of Colombian descent). Okay, I know that’s ridiculous, but I couldn’t think of a better reason, especially since Gomez might just be the hottest striker the US has playing in any league, anywhere in the world right now. Ahhh, but who cares, right?

That leaves me Conor Casey. Big, fat, bald, and sometimes lazy, Conor Casey. Well, he’s good in the air, and we certainly need to take at least one big guy—and since Ching will be too busy healing his swollen testicles, perhaps Conor is our sole “big guy.” He’s been there to grab a big goal for us in the past, so maybe he can do it again if we need it in the World Cup. So, check, Conor is our requisite “big dude” at the striker position by default due to injury (Ching) .

So who gets the “fast guy” spot? Well, since all the other fast dudes are nothing more than mini-versions of the original, I’ll go with the original: Eddie Johnson. Besides, he already has 2 goals in Greece in limited time and he's bigger and stronger than all the other “fast dudes.” That’s good enough for government work. Eddie may be no Charlie Davies, but he’ll have to do in a jam.

So there you go Mini-Bob—take my message on to Bob. Give Hercules a chance, and take Casey and Johnson as back-up. We all know that you’re going to start Dempsey and Altidore up top anyhow . Sorry the choices were so thin—but when life gives you lemons—well, you know, cook up a good seafood entrée and squeeze some fresh juice on it.

Stunning Soccer Analyst D-Wreck interviews Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger about his being the newest spokesman for Viagra, promiscuity, keeping your member firm, wearing womens underpanties and team goals.